There are moments in time that come with feelings of unrest. You cast into a nice deep run for half an hour without any action at all. A total blank. The half hour turns into an hour. Doubt creeps into everything you do, and questions seem to permeate your thoughts…Do I have the right flies? Do I need to add weight? Am I getting the flies in front of the fish?
These times can make a fisherman feel like a teenage boy making his first play to talk to the crush of his life. Awkward, self-doubting, unsure. And the crazy part is that the longer the fish ignore you, the less you feel your worthiness as a fisherman.
These moments don’t just happen on the water, either. If you are a parent, then you know they happen on the daily. In trying to figure out the answers to the complex questions kids ask, you can certainly become paralyzed, looking like a total noob.
When I encounter one of these experiences, my focus tries desperately to quiet the screaming voice in my head that lets me know how my parenting credibility is dropping like an elephant on a seesaw. The one thing you never want to lose as a parent is your credibility. The myth is that when you lose status in the eyes of your children, they look at you differently, like you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.
That’s the biggest fear a parent owns. Losing your place on the pedestal when your child looks at you.
However, no matter how many times we go through these moments of self-doubt, we also experience the moments when “you just know.”
Last week, I dropped my son off at college, creating a massive void in the daily family presence. Other than a few texts, my wife and I hadn’t talked to him directly, seeing his face, feeling his energy…until last night.
Eight days after driving away from him in the parking lot outside his dorm, we finally spoke. And when we hung up…we just knew.
We knew he was feeling confident. We knew he was having a total blast and was happy. We knew he was meeting new people and making fast friends. We knew he was having new experiences and navigating the beginning of life on his own. We knew he was ok. Maybe more importantly, we knew we had laid the foundation he needs in order for all of these things to unfold successfully.
Just like the times when you stand in the water not catching anything, there are times when you hook fish within the first five minutes. Not because you are some kind of fishing guru, but rather, just because you have experience. You trust yourself.
You just know.