Asking men to be more vulnerable is all the rage now-a-days. It seems like this is the main dialogue coming out of many talking heads about men. Some say it is to battle the scourge of toxic masculinity, while others say you just need to be better in touch with your emotions.
And before you read this and get us wrong, we at GFW are generally on the side of being more vulnerable.
But there are a few caveats to this.
First of all, let’s look at what being vulnerable means.
the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
When you read this definition, you notice there could be gradations to this. It is not a black and white “state” of being. It is being “exposed to the possibility”. That does not mean it is going to happen, but it does mean that you can temper how much exposure you open yourself up to.
Being vulnerable does not mean go guns a blazin’ into a room of people you don’t know, start crying and sharing your darkest secret about how you always add at least 3 inches to every fishing story.
You are bound to get a lot of weird looks and probably feel a lot more shame and discomfort than you otherwise need to.
The thing about vulnerability that makes it so tough, is how the people you are vulnerable towards receive that vulnerability.
The truth of the matter is, raw vulnerability is a hard thing to handle. And especially when we aren’t on the same wave length. A lot of things need to be going right in the specific moment to be vulnerable.
We need to have:
1. someone,
1a. who is capable of receiving it,
1aa. in a safe space to hear it.
In that order.
That is a lot to ask. Being vulnerable in conversation is something that has to be worked up to.
This doesn’t let us off the hook for being more vulnerable. We just have to remember that Vulnerability comes in a lot of forms.
It isn’t just about telling our darkest secrets.
Vulnerability is, as leading researcher on vulnerability, Brene Brown puts it, a whole hearted and courageous way of living. Any time you expose yourself to uncomfortable situations, you are being vulnerable.
When you approach someone at the bar, you could be rejected.
When you tell your friend you are struggling with a gambling addiction, they could laugh you off and say you aren’t that bad.
When you show up to a river, you try a different fly than a Stimmy. (I hear you… Why would you even do that?!)
These are moments of “being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed.” But they can also, play out in beautiful ways too. Vulnerability is opportunity.
When you approach someone at the bar, you could find your future soul mate.
When you tell your friend you are struggling with a gambling addiction, they could stand by your side through your darkest financial hour.
When you try on that streamer, you could land that hog.
You don’t really know. But you have to be courageous. You have to show up. But you also have to temper that with the actual situation. You won’t always get it right, and you will break a few eggs trying.
Put yourself out there. Your hog is waiting.