Death. On the surface it is quite a sad thing. But I know you come here to read and laugh, so I will try to keep this light and fun.
I recently had a death in the family. A grandfather, who was a great father to 4 children who had 10 children of their own, as well as another 25+ great grandkids at last count. A life well lived with a lot of love.
And on top of that he loved to fish.
He loved going down to the quarry to throw some bait and spin fish. Some of his favorite days were taking company along with him, from friends to great grandchildren. He knew it was about more than the catching.
May Grandpa Jim rest in peace. But while you’re up there, maybe you could guide me in to some big fish, ok?!
I had the luxury to be bedside with him during his final hours, something that many people now seemingly experience less and less as we venture out on our own. The last death I witnessed was another grandfather when I was twelve. But this one hit differently.
It hit me in a positive way.
I am no doubt sad to lose such a great man in my life, but I didn’t lose him entirely. I have his legacy. I have memories of conversations, of laughs, of malts and chicken fingers. And don’t forget double butter on his waffles. This man could eat.
But I learned some valuable things while sitting bedside in that hospital, that are worth sharing.
- Love is Gratitude. Make sure you tell people you love them. There is the entry level love expression that comes in our language, “I love you” at the end of a phone conversation or before you go to bed. But that is only part of it. When I say make sure you tell someone you love them, I really should have written “make sure you let them know you are grateful for them.” I think we can get caught up too much in the idea of what love really is. I am becoming more aware that love is just deeper and deeper gratitude. And we should make more habits around actually expressing gratitude to our friends, family and maybe even our enemies. We gain so much from these people in our lives. Things that we take for granted.
- Gratitude is how we show people they matter. Knowing you matter is probably the single most important fundamental need in your life. As we see the statistics in our society surrounding loneliness, crime, satisfaction at work, or parents who feel like they suck, it all flows back to feeling like they don’t matter. All of the relationships in my life where we have drifted apart are related to how much energy we put into each others’ lives. Somehow, along the way we stopped showing “the matter” factor with one another. If people feel like they don’t matter to you, they stop putting effort into the relationship. They focus on the other areas and people that give them “matter.” This natural cleansing may not be a bad thing, but if you want more relationships and to deepen the ones that you hold close, show more genuine gratitude. We wrote about this a bit here.
- Don’t let anything go unsaid. How ever you need to get the message out, there is no better day than today to bury a hatchet, express love, relive a memory, share a laugh. You really don’t get to do it again. Some people are better saying it face to face. Others need the written word to get their thoughts out. However you need to pull off the emotional task of getting it all out on the table, just make sure you do. I have lost a few friends unexpectedly over the years. But none hit harder than my friend Stuper. He was the victim of one of our all time favorite pranks pulled on GFW, and my best friend. We were lucky enough to share one last ski weekend together before his passing. Unfortunately we only said our typical goodbyes, maybe an “I love you man,“ and he passed in his sleep the night after returning home. The hardest part, above all else, is I will never know if he truly knew how much he meant to me and everyone else around him. I hope he did, but I will always question if I told him enough.
- Don’t take yourself too seriously. We are all on the same winding road, to a final resting place. And at the end of the line, no one really cares about how many zeros you have stacked, how many promotions you got f*cked out of, or if you had a perfect SAT score. As I watched my grandpa’s last days, what he cared about the most, was that he had so much love around him. He wasn’t the wealthiest. He wasn’t able to make a rocket ship. And he wasn’t the CEO of a corporation. But he had a packed hospital room on the morphine high of his life. That is the aim. And sure the other stuff can help make this ride we call life a little more interesting, but just like every other person at the end, he wasn’t able to take a damn thing with him. In his last moments the only thing he took with him out the door was the love that everyone showed him and his memories of big fish landed and the ones that got away.
These are a few pieces of wisdom that Grandpa Jim passed along to me in his last moments. I will miss him and the love he gave everyone in the family.
Death doesn’t have to be sad, though the grieving often is.
I have not lost him. I carry my memories of him wherever I go. And not to mention, we have that agreement to lead me to those big fish, right Grandpa?!