I am 35. I ask myself weekly, if not daily, when will I feel like an adult?
Maybe this is a silly question. But as I stare at a pile of bills in the mail, the responsibilities of raising a daughter, and the loss of my hair, I still feel like a kid.
Maybe it’s when your parents finally pass, and you are graduated into being the patriarch of the family? Or maybe it’s some kind of midlife crisis that snaps you out of it? I dunno. All I know is, it hasn’t happened for me yet.
A year ago, this question was rattling around in my brain a lot. I just couldn’t shake the thought, even as someone who had recently turned 34, had a daughter, and had a receding hair line. I wouldn’t say that this question was a real detriment to my daily living. It was more of an observation stuck in my mind that I still felt like a kid.
Flash back to our annual GFW trip of 2022. A year where we decided to venture to southern Wyoming to fish the Laramie. Ever heard of a place called Jelm, WY? Yeah us either.
Reid and I decided to go up one night early and camp on our way to meet up with the guys. A new tradition we plan on continuing. As with any camping trip, it provides a lot of time in the car, around a camp fire and debating how small we really are in comparison to the Milky Way.
As friends who have known each other since the wee years of my childhood, I have always felt comfortable talking with Reid. He has been a mentor to me. A safe space if you will. So I have always felt ok asking him for advice or being a bit more vulnerable with my thoughts.
Now at the time, and even a bit now as I write this, this question feels dumb. It has the connotation that I haven’t advanced in life. Or that maybe I am weird. But I wanted to know, and seriously, who else would give me a real answer?
So I did what every guy does when they ask a question that makes them uncomfortable. I asked it in a joking manner. “Haha, yeah I know, I mean does it ever feel like you have ‘grown up’?”
My buddy Reid clearly saw right through my poorly camo’d question, and began to dig for more context. I replied, “you know… I am sitting here as a 34 year old guy, with a new daughter, losing my hair, and I feel like I am still a 14 year old kid.”
He laughed. And confirmed my greatest fear in that moment: You never feel like a grown up.
At least he hadn’t felt it yet. He is a teacher, guiding 7th and 8th graders probably through the most confusing years of their lives, and he still feels like a kid.
We chatted more about it, and I am not sure much more revolutionary information came out of the conversation. But I did get a little monkey off my ego’s back.
Now this story is one I hope that you can relate with. Maybe you ask yourself this very question, and now you have two perspectives on the topic. So far survey says, 100% never feel like a grown up.
But what I really hope you can relate to is the basis of the conversation. It is what a true friendship is all about. It is the ability to drive in a car through the mountains and ask questions that ail you in the hopes of gaining some perspective. Sure, the question you have been pondering could be as innocent as “Do I ever feel grown up?” Or it could be something requiring a lot more courage to bring up, like troubles at home with your wife, a gambling addiction you have never told anyone about, or your fear of your kids moving out for the last time.
As you become better friends with one another, your questions can get deeper, and the responses more meaningful. This is the goal of true friendship.
We all live a lot of the time on the surface. “How have you been” and “got any vacations coming up?” But our goal as friends is to get deeper. Not for the sake of getting deeper, but for the purpose of seeing and being seen. Truly.
It takes time. I mention that I have known Reid for probably over 30 years at this point. But I have different friends that I can ask varying levels of questions, some deeper than others. As well as friends who feel like they can come to me for advice. They are all at various levels, constantly working towards becoming safer and safer spaces.
In a way, true friends are places you can let the Monkey-in-your-Mind come out and play for a little bit. And maybe even get some answers now and then.